discouraged, demoralized, disheartening.

juz came back from another failed attempt to meet an ebs student. again. you know, it has happened a few times consecutively already- since the last week of school. Today's student: called his home, he was sleeping (i've just reminded him last night). Last friday's student: called him just now to ask why he didnt turn up, coz i've called him a zillion times but his phone had been always mysteriously engaged. got through to him, asked him why he didnt turn up last friday, and he hung up on me. this is a person who i had met for EBS once before, came for our event before, a person whom i thought will never play me out.
You know how much it breaks my heart?

its so painful, my heart is crying so hard now. i made a lengthy prayer to God on my way back. I feel so discouraged. there's worse to come, coz i've been setting aside a lot of time to meet these people who have expressed interest to know more about God, therefore to an extent neglecting my own Christian std. i'm very upset right now. coz i'm just not going to get any more encouragement from my supervisor. many times i hope i can be given step-by-step guidance- 'this is the way you should do it the next time, i think you should do this next, let me tell you how, i suggest you do this next', coz i'll be at a loss on what to do. i'm frustrated coz some students arent growing and i don't know whats the next step.

you know, i'm really considering quitting this christian organisation i'm in, this structural service i see myself doing. But, what about the students? i've been telling God, is this the work You want me to do? i havent seen the salvation fruits coming out of all the meagre amount of work i've did, even now when i've put in so much more effort. i don't see my purpose being aligned to God. everytime when i meet students i pray they'll turn up because i need to report their growth. i want to be genuinely concerned for them. i'm afraid of getting scolded thats why i do it. maybe i need to detach myself from this system, which results are so important, to align my purpose back to God, still doing the work of evangelism. a hiatus may be best.

i'm motivated to stay on because i desire to bring up my students just like the way i was brought up by very genuine teachers who has shown much genuine interest in me, guiding along me spiritually, making me see the value of God's work and His people who are different from the rest.

there's just so much to juggle with, coupled with internal personal struggle with discipline, i'm screwed.
God, forgive me.

tearing vin