i'm missing the point

promoted to becoming a sergeant this evening. thank God for the glorious weather!

i've received my next posting last evening. To say the least, my heart sank, i cupped my mouth in disbelief and had to suppress the tears. i'll be heading off to Guards at Bedok Camp.

It has just gotta be tougher doesn't it. God made it so. I'll swallow that its fine. oh my goodness, i'd thought this course will mark the end of life as a trainee, enduring through field camps and everything of the same kind. Now i'll be advancing to another 5 weeks of Guards Conversion Course where the treatment is going to be worse i'm certain, training is going to be tougher i'm certain. And the people i'm going to handle! oh gosh, how am i supposed to connect with them without being trampled all over.

today's Passing Out Parade went well. I'm glad i've glorified Christ throughout the course. People coming up to me to thank me for being an encouragement to them did warm my heart. Receiving compliments about my mental tenacity when the going gets tough, of bringing along a strong heart spirited by a never-give-up attitude. All glory to God.
Come on, people think i'm indomitable and it is flattering. When i tell them i'll be going Guards with a sense of 'i can't take it anymore, i got nothing left in the tank', they're so assuring and confident i'll make it through, judging by the portion of strength i've displayed throughout this course. Strength is the word i use coz its the word that came from them. Its so general i can't even calculate how much i've used up, gave, shown in the divisions of mind, heart, will or soul.

Let me say this. I know very well i'm fickle and feeble inside, many times deficient of confidence and strength, a dastardly creature that lurks in hidden crevices within me. Oh gosh. I'm so thankful to God for filling up that bottle of potion labelled strength and flavouring it with the essence of being Christ-like and godly in whatever i do so that its scented for God. Gosh, you get it? not merely the strength to go through the rigours of training, but a sense of awareness and making effort to exert godly influence. Oh my goodness, it all requires energy and strength.

This is where weariness sets in now. i tell you what, i'm feeling it in full force. I'm human yes i am, i'm worried, scared and cowardly afraid. its difficult enough to generate strength - the strength which refers to the physical or even mental side of it, how can i still cope with caring about whether my display reveals anything about the God which (ironically) governs my life. the irony that since God has taken an instrumental role in my life, its effect will surely be felt in the stuffs i do.

i'm tired of the army. In an unchristian attempt at describing the outcome thus far, i've gotta say that luck is not on my side all these while. however we all know luck is not an appropriate word. God made it happen, and its going to be good. you know i've realised it boils down to the clash of interest. An instructor in BMTC/SISPEC will be less demanding compared to being a commander, oh man, i admit i've so wanted to become a PTI too, a huge disappointment there when i wasn't shortlisted for the interview despite being one of the fastest and fittest around. God has swiped control out of my hands again and again.

i need a good break. some time of solitude maybe. to think from God's perspective.
Psalmists always end up praising God after their lamentations, i hope to do so too and it'll happen.
i've replenished my stock of ice cream anyway.
Vin